Episode 9: Distance
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ANNOUNCER: Around Australia on the AusEtherial network, and across the world online, This is Supernatural Sexuality, with Doctor Seabrooke!
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SEABROOKE: Hello everyone, welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality! I’m your host, Dr Olivia Seabrooke. Join me tonight as I take calls from listeners like you, who have questions about their relationships or sexualities. As always, if you need to chat, you can call us around Australia for free on 1800 975 711, or internationally via our Geistline service, at SeabrookeOnAir.
Shannon is telling me tonight that she’s very optimistic about tonight being a good episode! Which, of course, when your producer is a psychic, you tend to take that sort of feeling seriously! Honestly, I know I do keep talking about this, but Shannon stays behind the scenes, and without her, this show just could not get made with the kind of professionalism we get. So, cheers to you Shannon! I’m looking forward to seeing what makes tonight a good night!
Shall we get right to it then? Let’s get to work, You’re on the air with Dr. Seabrooke, how can I help?
DONNA: Hi, my name is Donna, I have... a conundrum, that I hope you can give me some advice on?
SEABROOKE: Of course Donna, that’s why you’re on the air! What are we trying to unravel?
DONNA: So, I guess the big question is, how far should you go to keep someone in your life?
SEABROOKE: Hmm. That's a big question, Donna. Maybe you should start at the beginning - why is this question coming up?
DONNA: Well, um, the thing is, I’m dating a ghost, at the moment, and it’s been great! We get along so well together, things just sort of click between us. I feel so close to her, far more than I’ve ever been to anyone.
SEABROOKE: Sounds wonderful! Please, go on.
DONNA: So, ghosts always have something keeping them here, a tether, right?
SEABROOKE: Not always, but yes, that’s quite common.
DONNA: So, she tells me that the thing that’s keeping her here is working to find out what happened to her son - apparently she died a long way from home, almost 50 years ago, and couldn’t rest until she knew he was okay. It’s how we met, and how we got together - I’m a librarian, so I’ve been helping her do her research.
SEABROOKE: So I’m guessing…
DONNA: I found him. I wasn’t sure at first, but I’ve done the follow up, and I’m sure now. He’s even alive! In a retirement home, but still alive!
SEABROOKE: And you haven’t told her yet, have you?
DONNA: No.
SEABROOKE: [sigh] Donna, are you planning to tell her? [Pause] Donna?
DONNA: It’s just, if I tell her, if I show her all this, and they talk, that’s it, right? That’s the one thing keeping her here, with me, and it’s gone. That means she crosses over, and I never get to see here again, Dr Seabrooke! I love her so much, I just, I can’t do that!
SEABROOKE: [exhales] Donna, the very fact that you’re calling me, tells me that you know that this is wrong.
DONNA: Is it though? She’s happy with me! We love each other!
SEABROOKE: Donna, I want you to think about this. What you are planning to do here is live a lie, for the rest of your life. If this is your partner’s tether, she is not going to stop searching for her son. Are you planning to sabotage her search for the rest of your time together? Pretend that you’re helping, when in fact you’re stopping her at every step?
Because if you do that, then this stops being a good relationship for her, and for you. A healthy relationship is built on honesty and communication, not lies. What you do is ultimately up to you, I can’t make you tell her--
DONNA: [sullenly] But she needs to know.
SEABROOKE: She at least needs to know that you know. You need to be honest with her, and give her the choice here.
DONNA: And if I lose her?
SEABROOKE: Then you know that you’ve made her afterlife happy. That you’ve helped her resolve something that’s been on her mind for decades, and that you ended this with the truth, and not lies.
DONNA: Okay. I’ll tell her.
SEABROOKE: Good. I’m glad to hear it.
DONNA: Thank you for the advice.
SEABROOKE: Always, thanks for calling.
I see this a lot, and I think it’s important to say it again - a healthy relationship is built on honesty and communication. A relationship built upon lies rarely stands, because lies take effort to maintain, and when the lie is discovered, any trust you may have built just vanishes. Just don’t do it! Don’t think you can maintain a relationship on false pretenses.
Now, let’s move on to the next call, you’re on the air, go ahead.
DEB: Hi, Dr Seabrooke, I’m Deb. Thanks for taking my call! I love your show so much, me and my sister listen to it all the time.
SEABROOKE: That’s so kind of you Deb, thanks so much for listening. How can I help you today?
DEB: Well, I guess I’m a bit embarrassed because I don’t want my sister to hear. Hilda, if you’re there, turn off your radio! [laughs nervously] Anyway, I’m a nymph, a wood nymph. My forest is the Pearson Forest.
SEABROOKE: I love it there, it’s beautiful.
DEB: Oh, thank you so much! Um, but yeah, I guess my problem isn’t to do with the wood at all. Oh... Well, I guess it is.
SEABROOKE: Go on.
DEB: Well the thing is, I’m dating a selkie at the moment. And she’s great, but I always have to go to her at the seaside, and I’m away from the woods a lot.
SEABROOKE: So you feel like you’re doing most of the travel here?
DEB: Yeah.
SEABROOKE: Does your partner ever come to the forest?
DEB: Um, well, not really.
SEABROOKE: Not really, or no?
DEB: No.
SEABROOKE: And how long have you been seeing each other?
DEB: Almost... a year.
SEABROOKE: So I imagine you’ve gone to the seaside many times.
DEB: Sometimes we meet in the middle.
SEABROOKE: And how often would that be?.
DEB: Ha, not exactly a lot, I suppose ...
SEABROOKE: Have you asked your partner to come visit you in your home?
DEB: Well, no. Not exactly.
SEABROOKE: Why do you think you have to go to see her more? Do you want her to come visit more often?
DEB: Well, the sea is important to her.
SEABROOKE: Does she know how important the forest is to you?
DEB: I think so. I talk about it all the time. I tell her how much I miss it when I’m away.
SEABROOKE: Has she ever asked to come visit?
DEB: No. She says she needs to be near the sea.
SEABROOKE: Selkies do need to be near the sea, that’s true. But it’s not like they’re mermaids, they can leave it. For weeks at a time. Did you know that?
DEB: I didn’t know it was weeks.
SEABROOKE: How far do you have to travel, Deb?
DEB: It’s about an hour and a half.
SEABROOKE: That’s quite a while.
DEB: [sighs] Yeah, it takes a lot out of me. The train ride is really long.
SEABROOKE: I think perhaps your partner may be exaggerating this issue. Does she do things for you, in other ways?
DEB: Like what?
SEABROOKE: For example, does she pick you up from the station, or take care of dinner?
DEB: Um ... sometimes.
SEABROOKE: Now the thing here is, Deb that your connection to your forest is just as important as your partner’s to the sea. Do you see that?
DEB: I suppose.
SEABROOKE: Your needs are important too, and I’m not sure you realise that.
DEB: Hmm.
SEABROOKE: You say you listen to my show with your sister. Do you ever listen to it with your partner?
DEB: Nah. She says it’s rubbish.
SEABROOKE: Does she say that about other things you suggest, like movies, or books?
DEB: Um ... sometimes.
SEABROOKE: I think perhaps an evaluation needs to happen here, Deb. What do you need from this relationship? What are you getting out of it? You deserve respect from your partner, Deb, and maybe in this relationship you’re not currently getting what you need. You obviously love your forest, it’s your home, and I think it would be wonderful for you to have a chance to share it with someone who really cares about you.
DEB: Hmm.
SEABROOKE: I think perhaps you should talk to your sister about this.
DEB: I think that’s a good idea. Um, thanks, Dr Seabrooke. I really appreciate your time.
SEABROOKE: Not a problem, Deb. Good luck, and thanks for the call.
To me, it’s often a big warning sign when one partner treats the other partner’s interests with disdain - it often means they're treating their partner with disdain. Remember, a relationship needs mutual respect - not necessarily perfect compatibility. I’ve seen plenty of relationships where arguments are a loving thing, but a willingness to treat your partner’s needs and wants as legitimate. This is Supernatural Sexuality, I’m Doctor Seabrooke, we’ll be back with more calls after these messages.
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SEABROOKE: Welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality, I’m Doctor Seabrooke, let’s get back to the calls! You’re on the air with Dr Seabrooke - what can I do for you?
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PHOENIX: [Echoing, reverberating voice] Hello doctor. I am a recently risen phoenix, and this has been my sixth rebirth. Like my other rebirths, I formally ended my relationships before I gave myself to the flames.
And like my other rebirths, I have been approached by ex-lovers, who try to reconnect with me, not understanding that I am an entirely new self now. I have tried, time and again, to explain my cycle to them, but they insist that they still love me no matter how I have changed. Perhaps that is true, but it is not my wish to carry anything forward from my past incarnations. I burn, and then I am new. That is my way.
I am tired, doctor. Every time I am reborn I must go through this again - trying and trying to explain myself to people I no longer wish to be with. In the past, when their pleas have become overwhelming, I have eventually simply flown away, only to return to their homelands once I know that they have passed on. But I am tired of restricting my journeys in this way. How can I help them understand that they are seeking to be with someone who no longer lives? Everything I have tried in the past has never worked. I'm-I'm at a loss.
SEABROOKE: Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like they are having a lot of trouble accepting that you’ve broken up, and aren’t being very respectful of your boundaries.
Now, to a certain degree this is understandable - it’s always very painful when we are broken up with without being able to make that decision ourselves, but unfortunately, while it takes two or more people to begin and maintain a relationship, it only takes one to end it.
I want to reassure you, however, that it doesn’t really matter why you broke up; whether it involves rebirth or not. What matters is that you ended the relationship, and they need to accept that. So I think we should focus on that, rather than trying to get them to understand what rebirth means for you.
PHOENIX: I...I had not considered that perspective. You make a good point.
SEABROOKE: Next time they approach you, I want you to say clearly, I understand that you are hurting, but our relationship is over. We are no longer lovers and I do not wish to change that. Please respect my wishes. Do you think you can do that?
PHOENIX: Yes, doctor.
SEABROOKE: Now, if they still don’t respect that, then we have a bigger problem. Should they continue to harrass you even after you’ve made it clear that you want none of it, then it may be time to cut all contact.
PHOENIX: Fly away, again?
SEABROOKE: Not necessarily. It may be as simple as blocking their number and social network profiles, or avoiding their preferred cafes. Or asking mutual friends to warn you if you’re ever invited to the same events. If they are being particularly persistent and frequent with their approaching of you, it may be worth asking any mutual friends you have to help intervene. Perhaps they can talk some sense into them if you can't.
And, yes... worst case scenario, you may need to fly away again. And I am sorry for that, because it’s not fair you should be punished by other people’s actions. But you must put your own wellbeing first, and if staying in the same place as these people causes you harm, then, yes, you should leave.
PHOENIX: I see. I’m saddened to hear that.
SEABROOKE: I’m saddened to say it. But, I do think it’s worth thinking positively and trying not to worry about things until they happen. So for now, just worry about being clear to them that you have broken up with them, okay? Hopefully, they will respect your wishes, and leave you alone in your new incarnation.
PHOENIX: Yes, I hope so. Thank you doctor. My blessings upon you.
SEABROOKE: Thank you, and mine upon you as well.
[Background SFX: The fire sounds cut off, as the call disconnects]
I talk a lot on this show about how it takes two to have a relationship, and I think this call shows the issues around it. When a relationship ends, that’s a decision that has to be respected. Trying to force a reconciliation can be disrespectful when the other person has no interest in it. Respect your partner’s decisions, especially when they’re no longer your partner.
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That about wraps things up for this week, I’d like to thank Donna, Deb, and our Phoenix caller for their calls tonight, and as always thanks to Shannon Forth, our producer. I’m Dr. Olivia Seabrooke, this has been Supernatural Sexuality. I hope you’ve found something in our show tonight and I hope your relationships find their way. I’ll see you next week.
ANNOUNCER: Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke was created by Lee Davis Thalbourne, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.
Doctor Olivia Seabrooke is voiced by Mama Boho.
Donna was voiced by Maria Micklasavage, with the call written by Lee Davis-Thalbourne.
Deb was voiced by Rey Vargas, with the call written by Alison Evans.
The Phoenix was voiced by Zach Walker with the call written by Erin Kyan.
The Voice of the AusEtherial Network is Lee Davis-Thalbourne.
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Up next on the AusEtherial Network, the saucy Western with demons, vampires, and mancy- oh my! It's Caravan. Find out more about this great show at whisperforge.com/caravan.
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