Episode 7: Barriers

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ANNOUNCER: Around Australia on the AusEtherial network, and across the world online, this is Supernatural Sexuality, with Doctor Seabrooke!

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SEABROOKE: Hello everyone, welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality! I'm your host, Dr Olivia Seabrooke. Join me tonight as I take calls from listeners like you, who have questions about their relationships or sexualities. Need to talk? You can call us around Australia for free on 1800 975 711, or internationally via our Geistline service, at SeabrookeOnAir.

I'm not usually one to talk about my personal life, but I've actually just come from a lovely dinner with my brother and his partner, a just delightful dryad. They are like any other couple, they have their own needs and problems, but every time I meet them, I think about how much they love each other and how well they work their issues out, and it makes me so happy that they've found each other. So to the two of you tonight, I hope I'm not embarrassing you both too much, and that you're having a wonderful rest of your night.

As for us, we have work to do, so let's get to work! You're on the air with Dr. Seabrooke, are you there?

SHOSHANA: Oh yes! Yes I am, my name is Shoshana!

SEABROOKE: Hello Shoshana, what's on your mind?

SHOSHANA: What's on my mind? Oh so many things! Even just today has been busy busy busy. I'm working on a new stand-up routine about being in an all-vampire triad, and It's almost Rosh Hashanah so I'm--

SEABROOKE: Perhaps I should have been more specific. What are you calling about?

SHOSHANA: Of course, of course. Well you see Katie and Alex, they're my partners- both equally important mind you, all three of our names are on the ketubah and we've been together five years now. I love my beloveds very deeply, but well they're both off at The Blood Lake, do you know that club? It's been around for a long time, anyway they're there and I'm here at home.

SEABROOKE: Did you want to go?

SHOSHANA: I wanted to go with them, but I didn't want to be where they were going, you know?

SEABROOKE: Why's that?

SHOSHANA: It's all crosses and holy water at that place!

SEABROOKE: And you're not comfortable with that risk?

SHOSHANA: No, no, I don't mean they have crosses and holy water. But when the folxs there think "problems for vampires", that's all they think of. It's hardly a Christian group but most of them grew up around Christianity. They don't even notice how Christian-normative their ideas are! They're so focused on just one type of vampire that they never stop to think about the rest of us. (sarcastically) And nu, why should they! It's not like they have to worry about their culture being erased! It's everywhere!

SEABROOKE: That sounds frustrating. Have you talked to your partners about this?

SHOSHANA: Mmm, well, not much really. The thing is Katie's family thinks she became poly because she's a vampire, you know how often stereotypes sexualise us, and Alex's parents took a long time to accept it when ze turned. Without our local vamp community I'm not sure how either of them would have coped. These groups are so important to them.

SEABROOKE: And you don't want them to lose that?

SHOSHANA: Exactly.

SEABROOKE: That's understandable, but I'm sure they wouldn't want you be upset either.

SHOSHANA: True, true...

SEABROOKE: This is your community too. It's OK for you to want your community  to accept all of you, not just the parts most people can relate to.

SHOSHANA: Thanks, it's good to hear that.

SEABROOKE: It sounds like this is a community with a lot of work ahead of it if wants to be inclusive. Your partners can be part of that if you talk to them about what you need, but you have to give them a chance. If you don't tell them what's happening, you're setting them up to disappoint you.

SHOSHANA: I hadn't thought of it like that. We can deal with it together.

SEABROOKE: I'm sure you can. And if I remember this correctly...shanah tovah.

SHOSHANA: Thanks Doc, and thanks for your time.

SEABROOKE: Goodbye.

SHOSHANA: L'hitraot!

SEABROOKE: It's really important to remember, that often the state of the world has a big effect on the state of our relationships. Who we are impacts on how the world sees us, and our partners are a part of that world. If you're in a relationship with someone who is a minority, it's even more important to keep those lines of communication open, and respect what they say - you might not be in a position to understand what they're going through, but you can always work to be understanding and be an oasis of respect for them.

Shannon has our next caller ready to go, you're on the air, go ahead.

BRIAR: Hi, Doctor Seabrooke, my name is Briar.

SEABROOKE: Hi Briar! Tell me what's bothering you today.

BRIAR: Well, the thing is, my girlfriend--wait, I should say first that I'm a wood nymph.

SEABROOKE: Oh! My brother's married to a dryad.

BRIAR: Right, yeah, that's kinda why I called, I figured you might... know stuff? Umm. Anyway, we've been dating three months and now we're looking at apartments together and I'm not... sure about this.

SEABROOKE: You think you're moving too fast.

BRIAR: No! No, she's amazing and I definitely want to spend more time with her, but... [sigh] I'm not explaining this very well. She gets hay fever.

SEABROOKE: Ah, with you now. You make her hay fever act up?

BRIAR: Yeah.

SEABROOKE: But you said you've been dating for a while?

BRIAR: We have, she always takes an antihistamine when we hang out, but I'm scared she'll get sick of having to do that every day or maybe it won't be enough if we're together all the time.

SEABROOKE: And have you talked to her about this?

BRIAR: She says it's fine but I'm just... not sure she's taking it seriously.

SEABROOKE: Okay, so you actually have two problems--the hay fever, and the fear that your girlfriend doesn't really understand how it might affect your relationship.

BRIAR: I guess, yeah.

SEABROOKE: Well, luckily, they both have the same solution. First of all, you need to let your girlfriend know that this is a real concern for you. Tell her what you told me.

BRIAR: Okay.

SEABROOKE: And then I think the two of you ought to make an appointment with an allergist so you can get a better picture of your options for managing her hay fever. Generally speaking, hayfever isn't all that serious in humans--more annoying than dangerous--but it should put both of your minds at ease to know what you're looking at in terms of treatment. Once you know that, you can talk about this with the facts at hand and figure out where you're going from here. Sound good?

BRIAR: Yes, thank you Doctor Seabrooke.

SEABROOKE: Good luck! I know you two are gonna be just fine. Thanks for the call!

I know a lot of relationships where the people inside them have these little issues - problems that are, you know, a little annoying but you work around them, and that's fine! Your relationship does not have to be devoid of problems to be workable. This is Supernatural Sexuality, I'm Doctor Seabrooke, we'll have more calls after the break.

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SEABROOKE: Welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality, I'm Doctor Seabrooke, I'm ready to get back into the calls! It's time for a lovely new caller. You're on the air, why don't you introduce yourself?

ISLA: Hi there! I'm Isla! I'm actually a huge fan of your show, I look up to you a lot. I'm kind of a sucker for dating advice shows and columns and you... you just make everything so hopeful for people.

SEABROOKE: Oh. Thank you, Isla. That means a lot. I like to think I'm helping to make the world a more loving place. How can I help do that for you today?

ISLA: Ah. Aha. Yeah, so I love romance, right? But I've never really considered myself the romantic kind in real life. I've only had a couple dates and I've never actually dated anyone. As much as I enjoy living vicariously through other people's love lives, the urge hasn't ever really been there for me. Does that make sense?

SEABROOKE: That makes perfect sense to me. Would you consider yourself aromantic?

ISLA: Well, no, not really. I've always been pretty sure I have those feelings somewhere in my guts. I figured one day they'd pop up and I'd be like, "Oh! There you are!" [laughs]

SEABROOKE: And are you calling me because these feelings still haven't "popped up" for you, or because they have?

ISLA: See, this is why I like you, Doctor! You're so perceptive, you really get people. Yup, those feelings have recently "popped" — which now that I say it is a terrible way of putting it. Is there a  proper term for that? Suddenly having romantic feelings spring into your life?

SEABROOKE: Are you perhaps getting distracted, Isla?

ISLA: [Awkwardly laughs] Yeah. Yeah, okay, maybe. I guess it's still kind of hard for me to talk about this stuff? The whole thing is really new.

SEABROOKE: That's okay. New feelings can be hard to work out, let alone verbalize. Would it help to start from the beginning? Did you meet someone?

ISLA: You could say that. I mean, you'd be right in saying that. Because yes I totally did and she is amazing. Absolutely just the most amazing creature I have ever met in my life, I could talk about her for hours.

I have, in fact, talked about her for hours. One of my friends started a timer for me when I get going about her. It's like all the stuff I would've gotten out of me as a horny and hormonal teen is bubbling up out of me now and... and... it's a lot.

SEABROOKE: It can be frustrating when a friend's new crush or partner suddenly starts dominating conversations, but I'm sure your friends are happy for you.

ISLA: Oh, they are! I, uh, got distracted again. That's not why I'm calling. [giggles, takes deep breath] Okay. So. The beginning, right?

SEABROOKE: If that's alright with you.

ISLA: So I travel a lot. For work, not for fun, though [laughs] it can be pretty fun.

SEABROOKE: Isla?

ISLA: Right, distracted. Sorry, Doctor.  Travel... work... yeah, okay so I went to Scotland for work a few months ago and I spent a couple weeks there. Most of the time I was doing work stuff, but I managed to squeeze in a couple tours because Scotland is downright gorgeous. Have you ever been? It's just, wow, no place like it.

SEABROOKE: We're not talking about me being in Scotland now, are we?

ISLA: Fair point. Seriously though, if you haven't been, you need to go. This goes to all your listeners, too.

SEABROOKE: You were saying you went on some tours? How were they?

ISLA: Amazing. Totally breathtaking. But on a boat tour of a loch, I got a little too into taking photos and leaned a little too far over the railing.

SEABROOKE: You fell off the boat?

ISLA: I fell off the boat. Turns out those lochs are freezing! The cold shocked me so much I totally lost grip of my phone and because I'm a millennial and my phone cost me a buttload, I was an idiot and tried to dive down after it. Turns out it's really hard to swim when you're numb from cold and weighed down by a massive coat.

SEABROOKE: I can imagine. I'm glad you got out of that okay.

ISLA: More than okay! Someone grabbed me and dragged me back to the surface before I ran out of breath. She got me to the boat and the people on the tour helped her get me back onboard. And then she looked at me with these big, beautiful, worried eyes. I was... breathless.

I mean, I was also breathless because I'd almost drowned, but you know what I mean. I always thought people saying someone took their breath away was just a metaphor. Turns out I was wrong. She actually took my breath away.

SEABROOKE: That is quite the meet-cute.

ISLA: That's not all! After saving my life she dove right back into the icy depths and came back up with my phone! She saved my phone for me!

SEABROOKE: It survived the loch?

ISLA: Waterproof! To a point. Technology is actually amazing.

SEABROOKE: That it is. So she saved your life, and your phone. Did you two talk after that?

ISLA: We did! She was so worried she made the boat turn right around and head right back to shore. I changed into some dry clothes, got a hot drink, then went back to the loch to find her so I could thank her again.

Turns out she was looking for me so she could check up on me and make sure I hadn't died from a cold or hypothermia or something. We got to talking, and next thing I know it's four in the morning and I can't keep my eyes open.

SEABROOKE: That sounds very romantic. Please tell me you saw her again after that.

ISLA: I spent every spare moment of my trip with her after that. She showed me her favourite spots, laughed at me trying to skim rocks, and we kind of fell for each other. It was... like a dream. But like I said, my job is why I travel so much. It's why I was in Scotland in the first place. We agreed we'd try long distance because neither of us wanted it to end when I left. She gets it. She's, uh, kind of famous, so she knows what it's like to have professional demands. [sad, close to crying] Long distance is really hard. I miss her so much and I want to talk to her all the time and I feel like I'm being super clingy and like, failing at being a good girlfriend?

SEABROOKE: Long distance is hard. This being your first serious relationship won't be making it any easier either. You're not failing anyone for struggling with how much you're missing your girlfriend.

ISLA: I feel like I am, though! She's super busy — which I understand because I am too — but I get anxious and frustrated anyway when she's too busy to talk to me, even though I know it's her job and I'm often too busy to reply to her right away.

SEABROOKE: Not being able to communicate with your partner can be a frustrating thing. Many of my friends have been in or are currently in long-distance relationships and plenty of them have vented to me about the gaps in conversation that don't happen face-to-face.

ISLA: It sucks! I'm worried about getting too clingy and controlling, though. She doesn't exactly have regular access to the internet where she lives. What if she gets annoyed at how often I'm messaging her when she's not around and it ruins the whole relationship? What do I do, Doctor?

SEABROOKE: The first tenet of a long-distance relationship, or for any relationship for that matter, is communication. Have you talked to her about these feelings?

ISLA: ... no. I didn't want to come across as needy and overwhelm her. Which I feel like I'm doing anyway. [groans angrily]

SEABROOKE: I'll bet that she misses you just as much as you miss her. It's entirely likely that she doesn't want you to think she's over-attached and too demanding of your time.

ISLA: But she's amazing. People love her! How could she think that? Of course I want to spend all my time with her.

SEABROOKE: Being loved as a celebrity is nothing like being loved as a partner. The two of you had what sounds like a magical and intimate few weeks together. I think she'll understand if you talk to her about what you're struggling with.

ISLA: What can we do about it, though?

SEABROOKE: Well, I have a few suggestions. Of course, you don't have to take them onboard if they don't suit you.

ISLA: Shoot, Doctor. I'm willing to try anything you think might help.

SEABROOKE: A couple I know send each other daily selfies when they don't have time for video calls. They get to share part of their day with their partner, and their partner gets to see their face.

ISLA: That sounds really cute! Unfortunately Nes... Ne... uh... Vanessa is pretty camera shy. In fact, the only picture I have of the two of us together is an extremely blurry polaroid. Did you know you're not meant to shake polaroids when they're developing?

SEABROOKE: Perhaps the next time you see her in person, you can see if she'd be comfortable taking a good photo together. Just a photo for the two of you to keep.

ISLA: That would be nice...

SEABROOKE: On that note, do you have any idea of when you'll get to see her again?

ISLA: Not... really? We haven't really talked about that yet. I've never been much of a long-term planner, we both tend to just go with the flow.

SEABROOKE: Well then! The first thing you two should do is try to create a somewhat-solid plan for when you'll next be together in person. Decide on something realistic. I know how go-with-the-flow types can be with idealistic planning.

ISLA: Yeah... you're right. As per usual.

SEABROOKE: You'd be surprised.

ISLA: I mean, making a realistic plan sounds smart. I can get behind that.

SEABROOKE: One of the hardest parts of long-distance relationships is, of course, the distance. Having your future plans together be nothing more than amorphous time-blobs only makes it harder. I'm betting that having a plan for when you'll get to see her again will make you both feel a lot better.

ISLA: Mhm. Yup. I can see that! It gives us something solid to look forward to, right?

SEABROOKE: Exactly.

ISLA: But what about the time between now and then? How do I deal with being so far away from her? This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just want to be in her life.

SEABROOKE: I know. Long-distance is extremely challenging, but I believe that when two people work so hard to be together across a vast distance, they form an even stronger bond than if they hadn't.

ISLA: That is beautiful! I hope you're right. But what do I do to help make this work now?

SEABROOKE: As I said before, you need to talk. To. Her. Clear and honest communication is the most important part of any relationship, but it's even more vital when you're long-distance. You two need to feel safe enough to talk openly about how you feel, what you want for the future, and how you think you can achieve the relationship you want together.

ISLA: The future? Shit, I have no idea.

SEABROOKE: Then that's something you should definitely work out. And talk about it. I'm not saying you need to talk about marriage or kids or anything, simply a conversation about what you want your relationship to look like in the long term.

As for now stuff, perhaps the two of you can schedule date nights? Stream a movie together, play an online game, or plan the same dinner and video chat while you eat. Organize dedicated time that is solely for you and Vanessa. You should also set aside certain times during the week for talking to each other. Spending time together.

ISLA: Like, without it being a date?

SEABROOKE: Exactly! Regular times that you both adhere to. Maybe a good morning call before breakfast, whatever works for you. I know with your work it might be hard to set things in stone in advance, especially if you're not the kind of person to plan ahead. 

ISLA: [chuckles guiltily] Yeah.

SEABROOKE: But putting in the effort shows Vanessa how much you value her and your time.

ISLA: I never thought of it that way! You're a damn genius, Doctor.

SEABROOKE: Far from it. I'm simply trying to help people like you find love and happiness. Do you think anything I've said will be helpful?

ISLA: Yeah. Obviously. I mean, you're absolutely right that I need to talk to her about my feelings. It never occured to me that she might be feeling the same way about everything.

SEABROOKE: Sometimes all you need is a little outside perspective. How are you feeling about everything?

ISLA: Still a little anxious. A bit worried. But better. Kind of excited about the idea of doing Geistline dinner dates? I should find some recipes that we'll both like... maybe sardine pizza, or fish tacos, or --

SEABROOKE: As long as you're together, I'm sure the food won't even matter.

ISLA: [Laughs] I guess, yeah. Thank you thank you thank you for talking to me, Doctor. You really are amazing!!

SEABROOKE: It truly is my pleasure. All the best to you and Vanessa.

Long distance relationships definitely have their challenges - these sorts of relationships are rarely easy! But those challenges can be met, if everyone in the relationship is willing to work on the problems with respect and good communication.

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That about wraps things up for this week, I'd like to thank Shoshana, Briar, and Isla for their calls tonight, and as always thanks to Shannon Forth, our producer. I'm Dr. Olivia Seabrooke, and this has been Supernatural Sexuality. I hope you've found something in our show tonight, and I hope your relationships find their way. I'll see you next week.

ANNOUNCER: Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke was created by Lee Davis- Thalbourne and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions. 

Doctor Olivia Seabrooke is voiced by Mama Boho.

Shoshana was voiced by Corrine Beck, with the call written by Kochava Lilit.

Briar was voiced by Vick Harden, with the call written by Cecil Wilde.

Isla was voiced by Alex Welch, with the call written by Saf Davidson.

The Voice of the AusEtherial Network is Lee Davis-Thalbourne.

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Up next on the AusEtherial Network, a ghost finds love in the afterlife in a haunted park thanks to a young medium, in Overkill! Find out more about this great show at galpalspresents.com/overkill!

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