Episode 5: Theatrical Romance
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ANNOUNCER: Around Australia on the AusEtherial network, and across the world online, This is Supernatural Sexuality, with Doctor Seabrooke!
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SEABROOKE: Hello everyone, welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality! I’m your host, Dr Olivia Seabrooke. Join me tonight as I take calls from listeners like you, who have questions about their relationships or sexualities. If you want help or advice tonight, you can call us around Australia for free on 1800 975 711, or internationally via our Geistline service, at SeabrookeOnAir.
I wanted to thank everyone who sent tweets or emails about my appearance on Sun Up this week! It’s a very different experience being on television than it is chatting with you dear listeners, but I was glad to chat with the hosts and help educate people about how to handle diverse relationships to such a wide audience, even if it was for a very short segment!
Anyway, It’s time for your calls! Let’s get to work shall we? This is Dr Olivia Seabrooke, you’re on the air.
PHOEBE: Hello Dr Seabrooke, my name is Phoebe.
SEABROOKE: Hello Phoebe, how can I help?
PHOEBE: Well Dr Seabrooke, I’ve started dating this lovely vampire, we’ve been going out for the last few weeks. It’s been really grand but I’m worried that he’s not that into me.
SEABROOKE: And how did you meet this vampire?
PHOEBE: Well I was out with some friends at this new restaurant, its this vegan joint called ‘Don’t Feed the Plant’. Meiosis works there... that-that’s his name by the way. We both bonded over our shared passion for animal rights. In fact the next day we were both at a Voiceless rally and well...it just kind of continued from there. I mean we’ve seen each other at least three times a week since we met.
SEABROOKE: Always good to have a shared interest. Why you are concerned he’s not into you? You are spending lots of time together.
PHOEBE: It’s just well...it’s a bit silly, and it sounds really selfish but...when we have sex, he doesn’t go down on me. For some reason I think that means he finds me unattractive or he doesn’t want to.
SEABROOKE: Ahhh, I see. Have you spoken to Meiosis about this?
PHOEBE: I'm a little embarrassed, it feels so selfish.
SEABROOKE: Phoebe, its okay to ask for what you want in the bedroom. I think it's something everyone should feel comfortable talking about.
I want to put a pin in that and return to it a little later, but first let's talk about the problem at hand. I have a theory. Now this may be totally wrong as I don’t know this man. He may just dislike giving oral sex. And you’ll have to decide whether that’s a problem for you. But, well, he is a vampire.
PHOEBE: Well yeah, I said that.
SEABROOKE: And, forgive me for being blunt, but are you expecting your period?
PHOEBE: Yeah I’m due for my period soon... but I don’t see what that’s got to do with it?
SEABROOKE: [gently and calmly] Phoebe...what do vampires eat?
PHOEBE: I told you he’s...oh. [laughs slightly] I can’t believe I never thought of that. I’m so stupid.
SEABROOKE: You’re not stupid Phoebe. As you said, you met at a vegan restaurant, its unlikely it would have crossed your mind.
PHOEBE: But then... are you saying they might kill me?
SEABROOKE: Not kill you no. They do require the necessary proteins, lipids and carbohydrates found in blood. Many alternate their diets to accommodate this as they feel it’s a social disadvantage. Some vampires even use synthetic blood. Generally though they find willing participants, particularly if they are vegan. Usually this is successful, however the scent of blood can instigate a type of primal response. Similar to sharks.
PHOEBE: So he is going to kill me.
SEABROOKE: No, no, most vampires will not kill. He may get a bit embarrassed though to feed.
PHOEBE: You mean he could... like it?
SEABROOKE: I’ve heard of it happening before. But I think that’s something you should discuss with him.
PHOEBE: Well thanks Dr. Seabrooke! I--
SEABROOKE: Wait a minute Phoebe. Please stay on the line. I said I was going to return to your discomfort in asking for your own pleasure.
PHOEBE: Oh...well...okay.
SEABROOKE: Thanks, I know it's very confronting to share yourself with me, but I wanted to help because if there’s one thing I get worried about it's a lovely person like yourself feeling embarrassed and ashamed of their sexual pleasure. I wonder, have you recently come out of a long-term relationship?
PHOEBE: I have! How-how did you know?
SEABROOKE: I’ve been a therapist for a long time now Phoebe, this happens comes up pretty regularly.
PHOEBE: Sure.
SEABROOKE: Tell me about them?
PHOEBE: Well, he was a ghost.
SEABROOKE: Ok, so tell me about your relationship with this ghost.
PHOEBE: He haunted my old flat. At first he seemed really transparent [laughs] transparent about what he wanted. But...well it got so repetitive. We ended up going through the same things over and over again. And when I tried to change it up, he’d get all offended. He also kept comparing me to his former girlfriends, which was just uncool. I don’t know. It felt like he had [huffs] unfinished business.
SEABROOKE: I understand I think, just to clarify when you’re talking about ‘changing things up’ do you mean sexually?
PHOEBE: I mean everything. We’d go out to the same restaurants, eat the same meal, brush his teeth the same way. I mean he couldn’t even hold the toothbrush but every night he'd try to pick it up and I’d end up with the bathroom covered in ectoplasm and toothpaste. When I asked for him to do some things sexually suddenly he’d go on this tangent about being ‘suffocated with a pillow, and now he only ever does missionary’. To be honest I don’t remember. You know when you hear something so many times eventually it just becomes dull in your head?
SEABROOKE: Yeah I do. It’s hard dealing with people who won’t compromise or validate your own desires.
PHOEBE: Yes, but...I still feel like I should've done better.
SEABROOKE: It seems like he was set in his ways, and you shouldn’t let his hang-ups stop you from enjoying yourself now.
PHOEBE: I guess so.
SEABROOKE: It's completely fine, Phoebe, to want to have sex your way. Just be patient. Also talk to Meiosis. I mean, who knows? He might be worried about the same thing.
PHOEBE: You think?
SEABROOKE: I don’t know. But you seem like a sensible and caring person. I’m sure if you talk it out with Meiosis you can come up with a solution to ensure your satisfaction, and his comfort.
PHOEBE: Thanks Dr. Seabrooke. Well...yeah, thanks.
SEABROOKE: You’re welcome Phoebe. Thanks for calling.
It can be a hard thing, to confront past relationships, but in order to know where you're going, I find it's good to know where you’ve come from. A good amount of self-knowledge can go a long way in getting what you want, in and out of the bedroom.
Oh? It looks like we have our next caller, you’re on the air, go ahead.
FIONA: Hi Dr Seabrooke... so, my name is Fiona, I’m human, and I’ve been dating one of the fair folk for a couple of months. We really enjoy each other’s company and have compatible interests, but I know she’d like us to be physically intimate more often and I-I feel messed up about it.
SEABROOKE: Is it that the two of you have incompatible libidos, or is there another issue?
FIONA: Another issue. She’s... well, you know, she’s glamorous in the most literal sense of the term. She’s beautiful, and I’m just a frumpy dork with acne and stretch marks. When we do sex stuff I feel incredibly awkward and ugly. She says I’m being ridiculous and that she’s super attracted to me, but she’s so out of my league.
SEABROOKE: Low self-esteem can be a really difficult burden to bear, especially when coupled with comparing yourself to someone you personally find attractive. You’re very negative in the way you speak about yourself, which concerns me a little and which might be worth speaking to a professional about in the future. When you and your partner talk about this issue, how does she respond when you call yourself frumpy or point out things you think of as flaws?
FIONA: She says she likes them, because they’re human. She likes to touch them, but I feel self-conscious when she does.
SEABROOKE: Your lover is from a less physically vulnerable species than you are. The things we’re often taught by society to devalue, aging and imperfection, for instance, are unique and remarkable from her perspective. When you’re together, have her touch the parts of your body you’re insecure about, while telling you what she loves about them. Try to see them as something precious to the person you care about. Do you think you can do that?
FIONA: I’ll do my best. Thanks, Doctor Seabrooke.
SEABROOKE: Thanks for the call.
That sort of low self-esteem? It’s something so many people struggle with, myself included. It’s so easy to judge yourself. If you’re hearing that critic in your head, remember that they’re thoughts - you can fight back by being a little gentler with yourself, and remember that our critics aren’t always right, and even when they are, it’s okay to mess up every now and again.
Oh! Time for an ad break, I think! This is Supernatural Sexuality, and we’ll be back after these messages.
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SEABROOKE: Welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality, I’m Doctor Seabrooke, I think we’re ready for some more calls!
Let’s get to it, you’re on the air with Dr Seabrooke, how are you doing today?
THEATRE GHOST: Greetings doctor! I have called upon you, for I require advice and assistance with a most intimate dilemma!
SEABROOKE: Well, that’s what I’m here for! What can I do for you?
THEATRE GHOST: [Starts low, intensity ramps up during the line] First you must understand who I am. I am a spectre of the stage, a shadow behind the curtain, a wraith of drama that seeps into both the production and building of which spectacle delights audiences with magnificent portrayals of hope, dreams and fears!
SEABROOKE: You are a theatre ghost!
THEATRE GHOST: You wound me, my lady, with your common parlance. However crudely though, I admit you speak with accuracy. I haunt a delightful auditorium that sees plays and productions from the greatest of playwrights and actors. Truly, my theatre is the finest to be standing in this town.
SEABROOKE: I can hear you are very proud of it. What troubles you enough to call in tonight?
THEATRE GHOST: Ah... Well, you see, as is the custom, I have a box that is always set aside for me, for every performance.
SEABROOKE: Of course.
THEATRE GHOST: Lately however, there has a been a most unscrupulous young gentleman who has been sneaking into the theatre and residing in my reserved box in order to take in the shows.
SEABROOKE: I take it you have not... encouraged him to leave?
THEATRE GHOST: Oh, I tried at first, of course! I rattled and raged and froze the box to the iciest of temperatures! I dropped sandbags on stage during a show - not to harm anyone of course, simply to make my displeasure known. However, he could not be swayed from his ravenous consumption of the arts! And because he is sneaking in and out like a common thief, the staff have no clue that he has been breaking our agreement!
SEABROOKE: If you don’t mind me saying so, this sounds more like something you could take to the staff of the theatre. Why are you calling me about it?
THEATRE GHOST: Because... something changed, Doctor. After several performances where he would not consider leaving before the curtain fell, no matter how I vexed him, I grew fatigued and began to simply observe him.
Doctor, I have never seen a human with such a passion for the arts that it rivals my own! But his eyes light up like a galaxy of diamonds when the curtain rises, and his knuckles turn white as he grips the balustrade when tension fills the auditorium! Truly he feels moved by the dramatic in a way that I only barely remember from my own youth. It makes me feel alive again too, to be next to him in the box, and to feel that fire and passion again so clearly!
I began to make myself more known to him outside of icy air and creaking boards. I began to warm the air at his back, began to whisper secrets from backstage in his ear, leaving me offerings of sweets and poetry that he rests gently upon his seat when he vacates the theatre. Dearest, brightest, most esteemed doctor, I have fallen most unwell with infatuation. What is the path forwards for a lovesick phantom such as I?
SEABROOKE: Well, first of all, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found someone who shares your passion for the theatre. You’ve been talking to him, yeah? You mention whispering secrets, but have you actually spoken with him, as one person to another?
THEATRE GHOST: Indeed, dear doctor, I have. A couple of nights now, we have shared tales of our lives and deaths with each other, quietly in the box in darkness long after a show. It was this way I learned that he slinks into the theatre the way he does as he does not have the money to attend legitimately; rather, his currency is better spent on his ailing mother for whom he cares. Devotee of the arts, sensitive poet and most loving son! It torments me how wondrous this man is, truly, does his perfection reach no limit?
SEABROOKE: Well, he does sound like a lovely young man, and it sounds like you’re having a wonderful time getting to know each other. I must admit though, I’m still struggling to grasp the problem here.
THEATRE GHOST: The problem! What future could our relationship possibly hold, dear doctor? I cannot leave the theatre, and he has his own life and family to attend! Are we cursed to only cross paths when a show plays out across the stage? Are we doomed to never have mundane domesticity together? What should happen if the theatre staff learn of his clandestine attendance? Oh, I am overwhelmed! There is too much at stake and yet I cannot stop myself falling for him! Ours is a tale destined for disaster...
SEABROOKE: All right, well, I think that’s being a little dramatic. Which I know is your nature, but nonetheless, there’s no reason to catastrophize about this before there’s actually any reason to worry. First of all, I don’t think you need to worry about the staff all that much. If you’re able to communicate with them, which I imagine you are, since you're calling me, you’ll be able to tell them to make special exceptions for your gentleman friend.
As for what the future might hold - there are a lot of options available to you. Perhaps he might get a job at the theatre, and you can see him more often. Perhaps you can, with the support of theatre staff, invite his mother along to a show so you can meet her. Perhaps he might move to a nearby building. Or perhaps you might find your binding to the theatre loosened with your new passion and be able to attend things at his invitation.
The future is not set, as any clairvoyant will tell you. I would encourage you not to worry so much about the far future, and simply concern yourself more with the present and the immediate future. Solutions to future problems can be sought when those problems actually arise.
And in terms of the present... keep doing what you’re doing. Keep talking and getting to know each other. Keep enjoying this wonderful new connection you have made. The joy and passion you have when you speak of this gentleman is beautiful, and I don’t want you to let that slip because you’re worrying about things that might not even be worth worrying about.
THEATRE GHOST: He is as fine as any play that has graced my stage.
SEABROOKE: Truly, I can sense that. One thing I will say that I’d like you to do though, is to tell the staff about him. Get them to give him a season pass, so he no longer has to sneak into the theatre. Don’t make him skulk around to see you anymore, let him come in through the front door and be treated with dignity. Can you do that?
THEATRE GHOST: Yes... yes, I shall amend our agreement to include unfettered access to the theatre for him.
SEABROOKE: Good. I think that will go a long way towards making you both feel more secure about this blooming relationship.
THEATRE GHOST: Thank you, dear doctor. I will try to be less concerned with the future and enjoy what blessings have fallen to me. You have been a great help.
SEABROOKE: I’m glad to hear it. Good luck, and feel free to call back if you ever do need more advice on some of those scary future possibilities, okay?
THEATRE GHOST: I most assuredly will. Thank you.
SEABROOKE: Thank you for the call! It really does go to show that just because there’s drama, doesn’t mean there isn’t a way forward! And sometimes, a little dramatic license, directed well, can be a good story for your relationship.
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That about wraps things up for this week, I’d like to thank Phoebe, Fiona, and our dear Theatre Ghost for their calls today, and as always thanks to Shannon Forth, our producer. I’m Dr. Olivia Seabrooke, this has been Supernatural Sexuality. I hope you’ve found something in our show tonight, and I hope your relationships find their way. I’ll see you next week.
ANNOUNCER: Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke was created by Lee Davis-Thalbourne, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.
Doctor Olivia Seabrooke is voiced by Mama Boho.
Phoebe was voiced by Tegan Benham-Bannon, with the call written by Patrick Weyland-Smith.
Fiona was voiced by Alicia Atkins, with the call written by Mary Borsellino.
And The Theatre Ghost was voiced by Zane Sexton, with the call written by Erin Kyan.
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Up next on the AusEtherial Network, two women from different worlds find love through the mic, in Interference. Find out more about this great show at orczone.com!
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