Episode 2: Siren Calling
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ANNOUNCER: Around Australia on the AusEtherial Network, and across the world online, this is Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke!
SEABROOKE: Hello everyone, welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality! I'm your host, Doctor Olivia Seabrooke.
Join me tonight as I take calls from listeners like you, who have questions about their relationships or sexualities.
If you have a problem and you'd like some advice, you can call us around Australia for free on 1800 975 711, or internationally via our Geistline service, at SeabrookeOnAir.
I've been receiving quite a few messages from our listeners, and I'm so glad to hear that so many of you are finding so much help from our show! It's one of the reasons I'm so happy to have this show, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you tonight and helping you with your relationship issues.
Shannon tells me we have a caller on the line. Hi, you've on the air with Dr. Seabrooke, go ahead.
CALISTA: [brightly] Hi! I'm Calista and I've got a little problem I'm hoping you can help me with.
SEABROOKE: I hope so too! What's troubling you?
CALISTA: So, I'm in my first serious relationship — I've dated people before, but it's always fizzled out or gone sideways a few months in. I love my girlfriend, but there's this... thing that happens. When things are starting to get hot and heavy, not every time, but a decent chunk of the time, I tend to...involuntarily astral project. Which is kind of a bummer for me, since I'm suddenly outside my body — sometimes in the same room, sometimes a mile or more away — and obviously it's kind of a mood killer for my girlfriend, too.
SEABROOKE: I see. Does this only happen during sex, or does it happen at other points, too?
CALISTA: [anxious] [sighs] I-I guess it happens other times, too? It's happened once when we were having a fight, and a few times when we started to talk about the future. It's really frustrating, and she's understanding, but it's starting to put a strain on our relationship — it's hard to talk about moving in together and how excited I am about that possibility when I literally can't finish the thought without going astral.
SEABROOKE: It sounds like the underlying thread isn't necessarily sex or physical intimacy, but intimacy and heightened emotions in general.
CALISTA: [uncertain] Probably? Probably? I mean... it just makes me nervous. I feel like I've never had this kind of a connection with someone before — usually, at the first sign of real intimacy, people tend to leave me hanging. You'd think I'd be happy to have someone sticking around, but...
SEABROOKE: Sometimes, a situation or scenario being unfamiliar is enough to cause anxiety in and of itself. Is it maybe just that you're used to people not sticking around, and this is different?
CALISTA: [sighs] That could be part of it, I think. I'm honestly not sure what happens after this, since I've never experienced it, and that's a little nerve-wracking. Someone ditching you as soon as you express real feelings sucks, but at least I know how that song and dance goes. But having these kinds of feelings and not knowing what comes next is a little scary.
SEABROOKE: That makes sense. Sometimes the known and uncomfortable situation is less scary than the unknown situation. And if you don't know what will happen next, and you're prone to anxiety, it's easy to create a worst-case scenario — or several of them in your head.
CALISTA: Yeah. And it's also like — I think part of it is, even aside from not knowing what comes next, I only have bad examples to look at, to base those potential scenarios on. So I wonder if it will happen here, but it'll be worse. Getting ghosted is awful, but it's a much scarier thought to be ghosted after someone has stuck around and I've been really vulnerable with them. You know?
SEABROOKE: That makes perfect sense. Let me ask you something, Calista — the rest of the time, are things good?
CALISTA: [anxious but happy] Yeah, at least I think so. I've never done this before, you know? We have minor disagreements every now and then, but they're usually resolved without a huge amount of fuss. I love her, and I want her to stay in my life.
SEABROOKE: And have you talked about all of this with her?
CALISTA: She's aware that it's a problem, but we haven't talked about anything behind it. She, um — she just thinks it's a fight or flight response, I think.
SEABROOKE: Okay. Let's see if we can help by starting out with some grounding techniques. practice your grounding. You can get something physical to help you ground, like a necklace or a bracelet, or even a stone to keep in your pocket — hematite is great for grounding. But you can also work on recognizing what it feels like right before you involuntarily project — many times, with something like this or even more standard anxiety issues, like panic attacks, there's warning signs that happen a few moments ahead of time. If you can figure out what your warning signs are, then you can start the grounding exercises as soon as you feel those, instead of after the involuntary projection has kicked in. Does that make sense?
CALISTA: Mmm, yeah! A lot of times, my vision will get a little fuzzy a few moments out, and my fingertips start to — tingle, like I've hit my funny bone or something.
SEABROOKE: Got it. So, once you start to feel those sensations, you can touch your physical item that's helping you ground, or even just start breathing slower and deeper. There's also looking for five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can smell, and so on, until you've done all your senses. I'd also suggest coming up with some kind of safeword that you can use with your girlfriend — something that means you just need a few moments to breathe and calm down, before you return to the conversation, or the activity you were previously doing.
CALISTA: That's a smart idea. [slightly self-deprecating] I don't know why I didn't think of that before.
SEABROOKE: It's easy to think you can ignore it and it'll go away in the moment, but a lot of the time, it's more effective to disrupt the pattern. If you can take a few minutes to re-center, and you talk with your girlfriend about your fears around rejection, I think you'll find yourself involuntarily projecting a lot less. Does that make sense to you?
CALISTA: [excited] Yeah. Yeah! That helps a lot. Thanks, Dr. Seabrooke!
SEABROOKE: Of course. Good luck!
It can be such a difficult thing, being present in this moment, with this kind of dissociation can cause so many problems, and I hope those out there having similar problems can learn a little from that last call.
SEABROOKE: Looks like we have our next caller ready to go, you're on air, go ahead.
TONY: Hi! Doctor Seabrooke! My name is Tony and... [bashful] I'm not sure how to say it exactly. It's really silly.
SEABROOKE: I'm here to help, Tony, I'm not here to judge.
TONY: Well, see, the thing is [coughs awkwardly] I'm a ... well, I'm non-binary. And uh. It's a bit ridiculous but I'm a — urgh! — I'm a Mothman. I don't like what my species is called.
SEABROOKE: You're having trouble with the "man" part of "Mothman"?
TONY: [laughs] Yeah. See! It sounds so ridiculous. You've just got to laugh.
SEABROOKE: It seems like it's affecting you a lot, if you're calling in.
TONY: Look... I've been trying to date a bit, but no one seems to respect that I'm non-binary. It's difficult.
SEABROOKE: Have you spoken to other Mothmen about this? Perhaps there's another Mothman out there who feels the same.
TONY: [anxious] I'm worried people will laugh at me.
SEABROOKE: You also seem to be laughing at yourself a lot. Tony, I think you should really listen to these feelings you're having.
TONY: Right.
SEABROOKE: My advice, first of all, would be to take yourself seriously.
TONY: I--Yeah. [sighs] I just worry it's silly.
SEABROOKE: If it's making you this uncomfortable, Tony, it's not silly. I would also recommend trying to find some other non-binary Mothmen and see how you can start changing the language you use to refer to yourselves. Does that sound more feasible?
TONY: I think so.
SEABROOKE: Okay.
TONY: And uh, thanks, Dr Seabrooke.
SEABROOKE: Anytime, Tony. Good luck.
Something important to remember - the language we use doesn't have to define us. This is Supernatural Sexuality, and we'll be back after these messages.
[Ad Break]
SEABROOKE: Welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality, I'm Doctor Seabrooke, time for some more calls! Ok, our next caller is on the line, you're on the air, how can I help?
PETRA: [Speaking in a deeply gorgeous voice; also, sounding like she's recently been crying] Hi, I'm Petra, thanks for taking my call, Doctor Seabrooke.
SEABROOKE: Of course Petra. It sounds like you've been having a tough time. I hope I can help.
PETRA: [slowly getting riled up] Really, it's about who my partner's family THINK I am. They – ungh, I hate saying this. Even just saying it on the radio makes me feel like a traitor. There's enough bullshit floating around about sirens in the mermaid world, and now I'm giving it air time!
SEABROOKE: Ooh, I know it can be hard to decide how to talk about intra-community issues or prejudices. We can definitely keep it general – just tell me enough so that I can understand what's going on.
PETRA: [dam bursting] You know what? Fuck it, I can do this. I'm sick of – just, maybe if I talk about – about what it's like from this end, maybe – well, it's not like I'm the first siren who's ever had to – ok, so, ok. Hmm. My boyfriend and his family are merfolk. He's fantastic. No problems there. I love him, he loves me. But his family – they don't believe that. They – they think I LURED him. With my SIREN WILES. Like that's just what we DO. Just go around sinking our conniving talons into poor unsuspecting lovers because it's just impossible that anyone could love us for ourselves.
SEABROOKE: I'm so sorry.
PETRA: [vulnerable] It – Doctor Seabrooke, it just hurts so much. It makes me feel like people are never going to fully trust me.
SEABROOKE: You aren't the first being I've heard this from – it comes up for sirens but also for incubi, succubi, anyone with hypnotic abilities, and it can be a source of damage not just to relationships or individuals but to whole communities. It's so important to understand that in this world, some of us have powers, and some of those powers can, hypothetically, be used coercively – but that's no reason to go around assuming malice or manipulation or coercion.
PETRA: [bolstered] Thank you, Doctor. It's... hearing you say that, it's rarer than it should be. You know, honestly, I'm sorrier for my boyfriend than I am for myself. He loves his family SO much. They've always been close, but now – he's, he's sticking by me, he refuses to believe what they're saying, but they're just saying that that's even more proof that he- I've got him wrapped around my little finger. I'm cracking this awful trench between him and all these people he loves. I don't know if I should even try with them. But I don't want him to lose his family over me. I, uh – I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have to be the grown-up here, and even if I am, they – they won't even meet me! They're so sure I'll manipulate them.
SEABROOKE: Hmm. Petra, I have an idea.
PETRA: Oh, I'm SO ready for an idea.
SEABROOKE: So, you already know that your boyfriend's family don't seem prepared to hear your voice, because of their own beliefs about power and how you'll wield it. But... I'm thinking about a letter. The great thing about letters is that you get to take your time drafting them. Right now, you're conflicted about whether you want to approach them with grace for your boyfriend's sake, or whether you want to express your hurt and disappointment. Drafting a letter gives you time to work that out. Write an angry draft, get it out of your system, and then take some time to think and churn, and then write a second draft. You have the right to your anger, but this way you'll also have the chance to channel it with care. And then it's up to them to try to grow beyond their current prejudices, if they're up for it. They might not be. But this way, at least you'll know you've made a good faith try. What do you reckon?
PETRA: It's worth a shot. It's – hmm. It could be better than the endless tension we have now, at least. I'm going to give it a go. Thanks, Doctor Seabrooke.
SEABROOKE: All the best, Petra. Good luck to both you and your boyfriend, whatever happens next.
And just in case it needs saying to our audience: We all have more power than we think, and that power isn't limited to the supernatural. Some of us just wear that power a little bit more obviously. As a therapist, I've been taught a fair bit over the years about the sentient psyche; some people would call that a coercive power. Actually, I'd definitely call that a coercive power, and it's VERY possible, easy even, to use unethically, if you're not thinking carefully. All any of us can do is be aware of power, notice how and when we're using it, and use it responsibly. Often those of us who KNOW we have coercive power are the most careful in wielding it; those of us who don't have such a clear and often stigmatised power source might want to take a few notes.
[Music: Theme music begins to fade in]
SEABROOKE: And that brings us to the end of our show tonight, I'd like to thank Calista, Tony and Petra for calling in tonight, and thanks to Shannon Forth, our producer. I'm Dr. Olivia Seabrooke, this has been Supernatural Sexuality. I hope you've found something in our show tonight, and I hope your relationships find their way, I'll see you next week.
ANNOUNCER: Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke was created by Lee Davis-Thalbourne and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.
Doctor Olivia Seabrooke is voiced by Mama Boho.
Calista was voiced by Lucille Valentine, with the call written by Michelle Nickolaisen.
Tony was voiced by Jeffrey Nils Gardener, with the call written by Alison Evans.
Petra was voiced by Jessica Washington, with the call written by Hannah Aroni.
Thank you to Alexander Danner of Greater Boston for recording and directing assistance on this call.
The Voice of the AusEtherial Network is Lee Davis-Thalbourne.
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Up next on the AusEtherial Network, Listen to a modern day story of one man's influence, that continues beyond the grave in a city that's always on the move, in Greater Boston! Find out more about this great show at greaterbostonshow.com